I am a mommy.

So these last few days of nursing pain have been kind of crazy. And, my default coping device in tricky situations is generally panic. But, I have tried to slow down and evaluate this whole situation calmly. Here is what I have come up with.

I am a mommy. That sounds so simple. But, it is literally fraught with meaning, connotations, and complexities the human mind can even barely conceive. Being a mom is tough. It is an emotional, physical, and mental journey of gargantuan proportions. Right now it is taxing my physical strength. Right now I am questioning the sanity of continuing to nurse a child that continually bites me and when he is not biting I am afraid that he is going to. But, after I freaked out (and tried shoving a bottle, sippy cup, anything you can think of filled with formula into his mouth only to have him push it away and set his little mouth in a determined pucker) and was so defeated that "other" feeding options just don't seem to work for me I realized that at one time, not that long ago in history, there were no other options for mothers...They just woke up every morning, faced the day, and nursed their babies. They were tough. And, I think they understood something that is hard for (me) to understand these days. They understood that just because there is pain involved doesn't mean you give up. In fact, sometimes just because pain is involved you keep going. You keep going, groping for answers, sometimes angry, but you keep going...you don't give up. I started thinking about the reasons I ever started nursing and why I have continued with both of my children. For one thing, it is good for me. I have always felt like it has helped me to get back on my feet after having a baby as far as physical healing goes. It is free. That's a big one, its free. Nursing leaves like, zero, carbon footprint on the planet. No unessesary plastic waste, no chemicals, nothing. I like that too. Bonding. Nursing is like bonding on steriods in my case. For a while it means that for my babies there is nobody but mommy...and that is hard. Really hard. But, soon enough I will be seeing their backside walking out the door, keys in hand going to meet friends...soon enough that will happen and all I will want will be "mommy time" back again. I know that. Even though I haven't experienced it yet, I totally know that.

So my plan right now is to watch for cues as to hunger and only feed him when he is truly hungry, that is helping. And, to realize that it is just a season, that helps sometimes. And to also remember that I wouldn't trade this experience for the world, pain and all. I know it is not for everyone. I know it is not an easy choice but, it is one that I am glad I have made. I would do it again even with all the freak out times.

Ahhh, that felt good. I needed to tell myself some stuff. :)